Conclave: The challenges of moving on

By Hilary Bainemigisha 
hilary@auntporridge.com

We believe Pope Francis is now chilling peacefully in his father's house after a massive send-off by over 250,000 in flesh and an international audience that dwarfed the 2022 FIFA World Cup final between Argentina and France. 

I believe that he now has no worries of having one lung, suffering from pneumonia, the dwindling Christians in Europe, Trump and his be-hated immigrants, the US-China economic war, the prisoners' feet, etc. 

What a great man Pope Francis was! He should have been mourned for a year! I pity the successor that the Cardinals are now losing sleep over. And that is the calamity that I want to write about today. The world's attention has shifted from Pope Francis to the conclave. 

True for all of us; once you are buried, however popular you are, mourners return to normal life, and the forgetting begins. 

A simple fight over your property can throw you and your legacy off the front page immediately! You get progressively disremembered until you remain only in the memories of your offspring, if you have them and also, depending on how impactful you were to them. 

That is why our yearning for eternity requires achievement, social impact, publications or begetting children. 

My personal gamble is to remain alive in the minds of my children, those I have impacted, the books I have published, and as Aunt Porridge keeps on taking the world by storm.

Life continues 

If you look out of the window now, the excitement and anticipation are in the new pope. The Papal Conclave, which dates back to more than 2,000 years and has produced more than 250 popes, is the story now! 

Not Pope Francis! The world has stopped mourning and is, instead, awaiting its 267th pope. That is humanity for you! It is quite similar to remarriage after bereavement. 

About half of the married people now will face the loss of their significant other during their lifetime. Some will be relieved, but some will be bereaved! 

But, despite the grief and sadness, a time comes when they must produce white smoke and remarry. Some, by the way, don't!

No conclave  

My father refused to remarry after my mum passed in 1999. He had always been a selfless man, and so, his preferring perennial widowerhood wasn't a surprise to me. 

He told me his friends who had done it ended up with explosive problems in the family. He didn't want to risk the unity and love between him and his children. 

One day, bishop emeritus J.B. Kakubi, now late too, visited us. He had asked me to be present as he persuaded dad to enter the conclave. He even had an idea which cardinal would produce for dad a white smoke. 

Dad listened carefully and replied: “My lord, I have never disobeyed my church leaders, but allow me, this time, to defy you and face all the consequences you highlighted. 

Your fear that I risk dying earlier than I would is instead my preference because I would reunite with my wife sooner! My lord, don't worry, I will gladly remain celibate for the sake of my children!” 

The bishop put up a formidable case, but dad responded as if he had rehearsed his answers. Before he left, Bishop Kakubi told me: “I am not done. He is still mourning; I will return later!” Dad remained consistent in his resolve. 

Hilary Bainemigisha

And God saw that all was good. Evening came and morning came, and dad was rewarded with 17 more years; in which about six million Ugandans died! 

According to our lifespan of 64.96, about that number die before their 17th birthday. That was the hefty bonus dad was paid. But dad's clay is completely different from most of you reading this column. 

Many of you have an idea who your next pope will be even before the current one dies. Others will enter the conclave on the burial day of your spouse! 

Bereavement is heavily interrupted by floods of proposals, seduction and pressures to pair again. Your Vatican cannot remain without a pope, and so, the conclave is ever ready.

Statistics 

International statistics show that men are more likely to remarry across all age groups, but the conclave rates for both genders decline with age, with women's likelihood of electing a new pope declining more sharply than it does for men until it disappears out of sight, beneath the zero line. 

Unlike after divorce, the remarriage rates drop just after bereavement, before they begin to rise. Nevertheless, conclaves have declined sharply over time in many regions. 

In Uganda, for example, a study by the US Bowling Green State University showed that the remarriage rate fell from 5% in 1990 to 2.4% by 2022. 

Another study says over 50% of widowers remarry, compared to about 25% of widows. The average conclave time for men is 1.7 years, while for women, it doubles to 3.5. And, by the way, it is legal to remarry, even if it is as soon as your spouses breathe their last. 

It is only Muslims who prescribe a four-month and 10-day wait period (iddah) for widows; I think to ensure that her uterus is completely empty. While remarriage is not compulsory, death frees lovebirds to fly and perch elsewhere. 

But, many times, the conclave is delayed due to bereavement, grief, loss of interest in marriage or a lack of partners. It can, and should also be hindered by social expectations, norms or taboos.

Conclave times 

The Catholic Church cannot remain without a head, albeit in acting capacity, for long. But a marriage can. If you ask me, at least a year should be a socially acceptable time to wait. 

Statistics show that a lot of remarriages occur in the 13th month after the bereavement. 
Quick remarriage implies an extramarital affair before the partner died. Some people may hurry their conclaves thinking it will speed up the recovery process, but no; it instead slows it down and also drags the new partner into the quagmire of bereavement grief. 

Adjusting to a new partner requires energy and focus that should not be juxtaposed with fresh attempts to recover from grief. World statistics show that divorce rates in remarriages, whether from divorce or bereavement, are higher than for first marriages. 

It could be that the second time is always easier than the first, but it could also be because the second marriage is greatly comparative. 

The pain of adjustment issues also resurrects the grief of bereavement easily and makes it difficult for patience to prevail. Some people are very difficult to replace. 

Imagine being pope after Pope Francis. Can you manage to go around kissing the smelly feet of South Sudanese leaders? Pope Francis did so in 2019. 

And, I am sure, would willingly kiss more; Kagame's and Tshisekedi's; MK's and Bobi Wine's; Ssekikubo's and Rwashande's... need I say more? In Uganda, some people hurry into the conclave because of economic factors and the need for resources. 

That is why widows living in urban areas have lower rates of remarriage than those in rural areas. Remarriage is also faster for women with low levels of social support. 

When resources are enough, widows and widowers often prefer intermittent sexual partners to permanent spouses. Women often have larger social networks than men, and that could also be the reason why most men opt to remarry.

Considering remarriage 

Otherwise, remarriage is good for the individuals and society. People who remarry at the right time find it easier to handle loneliness and grief, find closure faster, get themselves an old-age companion and have lower symptoms of depression. 

They also stop seducing other people's partners and wrecking marriages. Studies show that bereaved people who date or remarry 25 months after bereavement express greater overall psychological well-being. 

Remarried individuals showed improvements over the non-remarried in life satisfaction, resolution of grief, self-perceived coping, stress levels, self-esteem, physical health and levels of social support. 

Generally, situations differ; while Bank of Uganda can remain without a governor for three years, the Vatican cannot survive without a pope for two weeks. 

Even for you, there is no prescription; you have to consider your own feelings, especially if the conclave still makes you guilty, as if you are betraying your deceased spouse. 

Then you also have to consider the feelings of the different stakeholders, like children, relatives of the deceased, and your new partner's views on your attachment to your late pope. 

Clashes over the late's influence on the widow or widower are not uncommon. 

It must be quite embarrassing when you are clashing over a dead person! But for the Vatican, I am sure it is all okay; Pope Francis will still rest in peace, especially if his reforms continue.