All in a week’s work in Uganda!

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WHAT’S UP!

Growing up, I was an ardent reader of the Reader’s Digest magazine, first the US and then the UK version (I never cottoned on to the South African or Indian editions, though). One of my favourite sections was All in a Day’s Work, which featured humorous and interesting anecdotes about people’s jobs and work experiences, highlighting the unusual, ironic or amusing aspects of Americans at work.

Uganda may not be as big or as rich as the US, but a lot of interesting things happen. Like last week, or it could be any week. But let us take a look at last week:

The automated express penalty scheme

I think someone in government looks out for Ugandans’ well-being and, if we look bored, comes up with something interesting to amuse us and take our minds off the more serious stuff. With a lot of fanfare, the works ministry announced the Automated Express Penalty Scheme, which would do many things, but mainly bring sanity back to our roads. Sounds good, right? But we all know the main causes of all the craziness are the millions of bodabodas who ignore each and every traffic law.

If the scheme were to work, I bet in a single day it would collect enough in fines on bodabodas for the Uganda Revenue Authority (URA) to exceed its monthly targets tenfold. But, who is going to bell the cat, uh? Who is going to collect the fines from the boda guys? And, pssst, it is election year, you know what that means. What about those gamba nogu who start extra lanes, have illegal sirens and ignore traffic lights; who will collect from them? I am still waiting for the punch line here.

The sh100m ‘handshake’

First it was sh5m, then sh50m, now it is sh100m. Then, some wag claimed that the next one will be a sh1b handshake. And it all went to MPs, the highest-paid public officials in the country. Funny thing is, no one has admitted receiving it, even though the President more or less said it was okay.

Opposition MPs have condemned it, even though NRM MPs insist the opposition also received it, without admitting they, too, received it. Musical chairs, anyone? A recent poll in the New Vision indicated that almost three-quarters of sitting MPs will not be returned to the House after next year’s elections. So, I bet they are all thinking ‘term eggenda’. Yup, just another week in our matooke republic.

Pope’s death

The Pope is dead, long live the Pope. Right? Not quite so, according to conspiracy theories on social media. Incidentally, the powers that be, who are eager to switch off social media anytime there is discontent, should actually encourage people to spend all their time there. That is where people go to vent their frustrations and quarrel with people they do not know and will never meet.

Imagine they could not vent and rant on social media? All the drones in the world would not be able to contain them. But, back to the Pope’s death. As I left the New Vision last week, I was asked to sign the condolence book, which I duly did. And that is what I wrote: ‘The Pope is dead, long live the Pope’. I am not sure if the book will get to the Vatican, but by then, the 1.4 billion Roman Catholics in the world will have a new Pope, and mourning will have turned into celebrations. Yeah. Quite a week!

Sam Kuteesa’ Church

While we were still wondering if the next Pope could be African, news came from Sembabule that former Cabinet Minister Sam Kuteesa had built a multi-billion-shilling church as a testimony to his gratitude for having been successfully treated for throat cancer. A noble gesture, right? Happens all the time.

Most memorable historical monuments have been built by man to show gratitude to their gods for good fortune, so why should Kuteesa be different? But many Ugandans took exception to the fact that Kuteesa went for treatment in a German hospital, because Uganda’s Cancer Institute was awfully inadequate. Shouldn’t he then have donated those billions to the Cancer Institute? Or built a hospital in Sembabule? Is it your money? Others countered. Building a hospital would be catering to mere humans, they said, while Kuteesa is obviously aiming for much higher grounds.

A retired police officer pitched in and suggested that all those who study abroad should build a university when they come back. Uh? I did not follow that reasoning, but the debate still rages on. And Kuteesa’s church will still be there when we are all dust. So, there.

Emily Lekuru, professional rugby player

But it’s not all gloom and doom in Uganda, for news came through that Uganda has its first female professional rugby player. Lekuru, who plays for local club Black Pearls, signed a professional contract with Japanese club Hokkaido Barbarians Diana.

Rated as one of the best female players to come out of this country, she has faced controversy for at times prioritising her own welfare over the sport. But those who mocked her are probably on a diet of copious humble pie right now. Wishing you the best Lekuru, and do what is best for you.

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