What men want from women II

By Hilary Bainemigisha 
hilary@auntporridge.com

The obvious answer is sex as we discussed last week. We also identified other gold men look to mine from women as respect, fidelity, motherly care and visual impressions. 

Today, we follow this up with more points so that women can also know what men expect from them. Last month, the men got to know what women want from them; now it is the women’s turn. Without further ado, behold the needs:

Value addition  

Let me begin with value addition so that I explain it before my energy saps. Men want and appreciate a woman who can add value to them. Christians attribute it to women’s biblical assignment to be a helper, a companion and an assistant. 

A woman who expresses this in real value terms becomes gold in her man’s eyes. Sadly, many women, especially in urban areas, are socialised to posture through a one-way channel of sex as value addition to a man. 

And they are contented with just supplying sex. When they are water-logged, they even think they are nothing less than a rare treasure. 

No, dear mamas, sex and its kachumbari can be available everywhere and anywhere, without a man having to be nice first. Find a way to add value in a different way, especially to that which your man considers his happiness, revenue and quest for advancement on the virtual male hierarchy. 

Value addition entails what you bring on the table in the marriage partnership, your contribution to your husband’s development and that addition to his main area of interest or earning. 

If your man is a businessman, help him with accounts or, if you can’t, at least premise cleanliness. If he is a politician, how many voters are you bringing or helping him to keep? 

Even for trophy wives, the husband who assures you that you are great just the way you are, will soon reach out for the calculator to evaluate the bricks you have put on his personal improvement. 

Trust and loyalty  

Many women, being caucusing people, find this an easy mango to pick. But for men, it is different; they need a strong reason to play partnership. And a reliable woman they can trust with their money, secrets and property is a great motivation. 

That enforces their comfort in a wife, so that they can eat her food, snore in a house full of knives and surge forward against the world’s vicissitudes without fear.
 
Men also want to feel safe whenever their hunt for resources takes them away from home.

A man wants to believe that his woman will remain zipped up and committed to not mixing his chicks with ducklings. If other men seem to have a key to her padlock, even if she is adding value, beautiful, respectful and sexy; the man will take off for the hills. 

We, men, also want you, women, to show confidence in our leadership of the family. If you don’t agree with our leadership decision, there are thousands of ways you can say so without confronting our seat directly. There are enough lessons about this from politics; so, don’t ignore them. 

It is also okay to pursue your own projects as long as you consult us before. We may not help, but it makes us feel important. Only that act can compel us to pick interest in terms of financial support of your project. 

Appreciated  

Being a man is not easy, ask all the male animals. Every farmer wants to kill or sell you, all females want you for their offspring, other males want to compete and the world assumes you are strong enough for its most painful of doses. 

So, when we put up resilience and innovation against all odds to return home with a Kaveri, however small and light, you want your wife to say: 

“Thank you sweetheart!” Such compliments make us feel valued, needed, accepted and admired. And it can easily add some cement to the hardness you, women, always want after lights-off. Additionally, we detest being compared to other men. 

We know that, privately, you often compare us with your former lovers and current suitors, and we cannot stop it; but it is treasonable to do so loudly, especially when we are not the winners. 

Never, ever, compare us with better men in terms of achievement, property, intellect and, above all, sexual prowess. 

Of course we know that we haven’t achieved like MK or Sudhir, but never succumb to any temptation to say so. I have seen men pick a bone with wives when they bask extravagantly in the adoration of football megastars like Ronaldo and Messi or movie stars like Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt. 

Men are hierarchical; a wife who compares her husband with better men falls guilty of speaking the truth in a wrong forum. 

Please don’t! We also know so many women who are better than you, but we don’t say. Those who say are stupid; just don’t emulate them: Two wrongs don’t make a right.

Hilary Bainemigisha

Novelty  

How do I navigate this without offending people? In psychology, we call it the Coolidge effect, a biological phenomenon where males exhibit renewed sexual interest and motivation when presented with a new, sexually available partner, even after being sexually satiated with a previous partner. 

The phenomenon is named after an anecdote about a public exposé of US’ 30th president, Calvin Coolidge (1921 to 1923) and his wife at a trade fair in New York.
 
When Mrs Coolidge’s entourage arrived at a farmer’s stall, she asked why he had one rooster and so many hens. Of course, you must appreciate that being an urban woman, her knowledge of farming stuff was limited to KFC. 

When the farmer explained that one rooster can manage more than 10 hens a day, she asked him kindly to tell that to the president when he comes along. 

Shortly after, when the president arrived, the farmer told him what the wife had asked. In response, Coolidge asked him: Did you explain to Mrs Coolidge that it isn’t with the same hen?” 

You know how the media works; the story that evening wasn’t about how farmers were doing well; it was about the president’s batteries not having enough power. 

It provoked researchers into scientific studies of mating activities of animals, then birds and, after that, fish and insects. And it was established that, across the whole range, the same mate elicited reduced sexual responsiveness and a longer sexual refractory period for males. 

But males, which started to develop boredom with the same mate, recovered instantaneously when a new female was introduced. It was named the Coolidge effect. However, this male responsiveness to sexual variety clashes head-on with tenets of faithfulness and the monogamy lifestyle of modern-day, promoted by religious, economic or ethical considerations. 

We, the counsellors, acknowledge this declining of male sexual interest in the same female, but to accommodate a man’s quest for novelty, we propose that you don’t change the wife. You can change the styles, location, build-up, ambiance etc of sex. 

Monotony bores the intricate male sex process into slumber and that is, by the way, a common ailment in many a marriage.

Being felt 

Men love recognition and woe to you if you expect meekness and modesty. If you want to appreciate what I mean, forget to introduce your man at your function. 

When a man visits your home at any function and you rise to give a speech, remember not to forget to introduce him so that he doesn’t accuse you of having a boyfriend among the crowd. 

Men will buy big cars, build big houses, and even date a mountain woman to be felt and feared. Many resort to aggression and may become ruffi ans to just be noticed.

Hunting  

Men evolved as hunters and, when some women took over this button, guys failed to be the hunted. They are charmed by vulnerability, excited by the hunt, and invigorated by a fleeing prey. 

If you want to get the best out of your man’s sex, play vanquished, cry, call him the Almighty, and plead for pardon. If you rumble like a warrior, growl like an angry dog or shout like a coach, his testosterone will crawl back because he will feel hunted, the sex will feel like a boxing ring and he won’t achieve his desired imperious posture. 

That is why, even when you want a man, you need to find a way to make him chase you. If you do the chasing, he will either crawl into his shell, play passive all the way or run for the hills. 

That is why men are hypogamous, which means dating or marrying someone perceived as having a lower social status, wealth, or other perceived advantages. (Women are hypergamous, which is the opposite).

And that is why very successful women scare off a horde of men suitors. ...Oh, what happened to my space! Can you imagine I haven’t talked about a man wanting children, peace, space, attention and functional gifts? Well, we cannot exhaust it all. 

Let the above suffice. I wish you success with men. It isn’t easy; even God has been failing to manage them!