I can never get stuck inside

By Hilary Bainemigisha 
hilary@auntporridge.com

If I don’t get a very good idea to write about, I may end up with the love story of a president and his ex. If you don’t want me to get lost from your sight, find me one! And now! 

And it should not be about Dr Besigye too because there is no difference between a bayonet and a sword. Story Phew! Why don’t I write about getting stuck. 

What a story to conclude our Valentine’s month with! But what do you want me to do if you guys are getting stuck inside women and, instead of enjoying it, you wail in agony, seeking out traditional doctors to do their mystical detachment rituals? 

This year alone, it has aggressed my ears three times! Three damn times! In Kalagi – Mukono, Namatala – Mbale and in Arua city, it was even a pastor! 

I would have ignored the subject, but two fans wrote to me threatening that if I don’t address this issue, they will commit suicide. We have just finished a population census last year, and I don’t want to risk a destabilisation of the already disputed figures. 

So let us talk about getting stuck if only it is to save lives! Apparently it is a bigger problem than Ebola and mpox yet the ministry is mum about it! I just checked Google and the list is in double digit figures! 

On the first page, there are four incidents of last year; Kawolo – Lugazi, Buwenge – Jinja, Hoima and Soroti. I had to stop there because I know myself: My manhood does not like scaring stuff. It may confer upon me such a fear that may compel me to run to my archbishop to beg him ordain me a Roman Catholic priest!

The triple paradox 

Getting stuck is a triple paradox by definition, expression and impression. Firstly, the way men can kill to get inside women, you would imagine it is fun to be stuck in there forever! 

But instead, they all freak out and wail for help, as if there are prickly needles, hungry ants or red pepper in there! The second paradox is how it always happens in lodges and other hiding places! 

How come it never occurs to married couples in their own bedrooms? Does it only happen to cheats? If so, how do I advise people to commit crime safely? Well, don’t we always advise fornicators on condom use? 

I guess if you are a responsible elder, you have to first chase the mongoose away before talking to your wandering chicken about complying to SOPs. 

But the third paradox is the way victims ignore our own celebrated medical doctors for solutions in preference to traditional healers. Yet we spend millions of our taxpayers’ money to train doctors! 

In all the stories, stuck people send for traditional healers to help unlock the padlock! Now even the Police has contacts of these guys who throw around shells and the mouse pops out of the cat’s mouth — alive!

No deaths 

Those are the three promised paradoxes already but I will give you a bonus fourth: How come no one had died of it? 

There are no graves marked: “Here lies Warren; suffocated to death by a source of male fun!” 

True, I have spent a long time without entering lodges, but tell me: do those places have a notice above beds saying: If you get stuck, call 0702...? 

How come no one has entered heaven for getting stuck inside heaven? I asked Deepseek, the brand new Chinese AI on the block, and was told that there is no known deaths from penis captivus. 

For that is the baptismal name of getting stuck. In 1979, a German doctor, Dr Kraupl Taylor, was writing about a condition he had encountered in the British Medical Journal. 

He looked around for a befitting name to dress it and, there being none in Europe, he resorted to the dead language, Latin, for a botanical reference. They always do, these medical experts. 

In Latin, captivus means being taken prisoner and you are free to refer it to freedom, sobriety and even Besigye and Lutare. Kraupl’s article referred to two papers published earlier by the 19th Century German gynaecologists, Scanzoni (1870) and Hildebrandt (1872), who had claimed that they had personally dealt with cases of the condition. 

Still, there is no death in the medical records. The only reported death of getting stuck was a man who got himself stuck in a plastic bottleneck. It was instead called penile strangulation. 

He died because he feared to seek help and got complications of necrosis of the penis, acute pyelonephritis, and bronchopneumonia. 

If you want to know what these conditions mean in your mother tongue, you will have to consult minister Aceng. She is the one our taxes pay to be the health minister. 
But if Aceng is too shy to tell you, threaten her that you intend to get stuck in a plastic bottleneck.

Any medical explanation? 

The Bible does not mention penis captivus and so, I cannot say which day it was created. Many have filed it under the mythical and witchcraft folder but, actually, it has a scientific explanation. 

During sex, the couple gets too busy to realise that the vaginal muscular tissue expands and contracts as a matter of course. In very rare events, associated with extreme fear, panic or pain, these pelvic floor muscles may contract more than typical, narrowing the opening and arresting the visitor. 

It is similar to a case where a dog suddenly attacks its owner! A woman can develop tension due to physical, emotional, or psychological factors, or a combination of all three. 

For example, the guilt of infidelity, a tweet from a general or any other reason that makes a dog bite its master. If you want the details, ask such dogs. 

Experts swear that penis captivus does not need a Supreme Court ruling. Even witchdoctors are not as necessary as Police wants us to believe. Muscles cannot remain tight forever. 

The anxiety eventually expires, taking the captivus with it. The solution is to stay calm and let the muscles relax as a matter of course. However, the couple is usually too worried to relax. So you need an external force to make your body relax by force. 

That is why a belief that a witchdoctor has the solution works. However, any doctor knows medication that can quickly relax your body. The medicine can either relax the woman’s muscles or force blood out of the manhood to flip out. 

Penis captivus is unlikely to hurt you or your partner unless you try to disengage by force. 

The solution 

I have 10 of them. The first is not to cheat because captivus is selective in taking its prisoners. 

The second is not to panic. Added stress can lead to more muscular tension, which can extend the imprisonment in spite of worldwide clamour to free the prisoner. 
The third strategy is not to associate it with witchcraft. This exasperates the imprisonment and leads you into an expensive self-exposure. 

Fourthly, don’t try to force the private parts to open manually. You may hurt the only part that takes you to heaven on earth. You rather amputate your leg because you have two of them. 

Fifth; take a few deep breaths, and distract yourself from the problem; the muscles will likely relax for you. The sixth is to call your doctor friend in the event that your capture is not giving signs of relaxing. 

But for the sixth to happen, you need Seven; always have a doctor friend you can rely upon for such emergency evacuation. One who will come immediately without asking many questions or leaking your predicament to the media. 

You probably know that every adult should have a phone number of a friendly Above, police officer, doctor, moneylender, priest and mechanic. And it should be one who will pick your calls at any time, including when he or she is dead or stuck inside someone’s something. 

Eight; if this is happening to you again with the same person, change the service provider. Nine, if it is happening to you again, make it a point to later seek medical advice. 

You may have an underlying conditions involving your blood flow, wiring or brain hyperactivity. Ten, and most important; read my book, Expert’s 100 Strategies For Love. 

It may not have the ABC of getting unstuck but it will immunise you against the factors that take you into a lodge in the very first place. 

The book explains the fundamental workings of the body’s physical, psychological and spiritual behind the scenes to lead you into the arms of the one who keeps you awake at night. 

Finally, I stand by my submissions above. To prove it, I dare any witchdoctor, who thinks he can cause my arrest or any woman, who feels capable of imprisoning me to step forward and challenge me to a duel. I will walk out without being yoked and with your stake in hand!